An excerpt from:

PAUL NEWMAN NEVER PLAYED A GUY NAMED MURRAY
A male monologue
By Bruce Kane

A male monologue in which the speaker sounds a call to arms for men with wimpy names.

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PAUL NEWMAN NEVER PLAYED A GUY NAMED MURRAY
By Bruce Kane

Since the founding of this country, groups of individuals who have felt discriminated against and marginalized have organized to seek redress of their grievances. It is their constitutional right to do so. And in that tradition I stand before you as the vanguard of a great, new movement determined to right the wrongs committed against a group that has been demeaned for far too long. A group that has to fight every day to overcome negative stereotyping that prevents it from realizing its full potential. I’m talking, of course, about men. No, no… Not just men in general. I’m talking about men whose mothers, for reasons still unexplainable, saddled them with names that guaranteed they would have their lunch money stolen and be chosen last for basketball. I stand before you today to announce the founding of a new organization dedicated to providing every male in this county with the name he would have chosen for himself. We call this organization the ”Name Every Boy Believes Is or Should be His”. Or, NEBBISH, for short. It is no secret that names are destiny. A strong name can carry a man to great heights. While a powerful name doesn’t, necessarily, guarantee success, a wimpy, wussy name is a guarantee of a life filled with wedgies and “kick me” signs taped to your back. Like the song says. “Life ain’t easy for a boy named Sue.” Of course, that was sung by a guy named Johnny. Everyone loves an heroic name. Every movie hero has an heroic name. People go to see movies with heroes who have heroic names. Would people continually flock to theatres all over the world to hear Double O Seven introduce himself as … “Bond… Murray Bond.” Of course, not. Would George Lucas have made history and a gazillion dollars if his arch villain “Sherman Vader” had, in that climactic moment, wheezed “Herbie, I am your father.”? I don’t think so.

(The monologue continues)